Saturday, June 12, 2010
Dear Whoever is Using ALL the Soap,
Seriously, it takes about a quarter sized amount to do your whole body, why do you use my whole damn bottle? Who ARE you?? Stop it!! Are you washing six cars, a bus, a semi, and your ass? What's going on here?
Sunday, June 6, 2010
My Dearest Female Performers,
Truly, I am impressed by your endurance. I know how hot and tiring it is under those lights up there. I know how you try to convey, physically, to your audience how they should feel. You get all into your music and then you start squumping and I check out of your performance. Squumping. Squat humping. How is this supposed to show us how deeply you feel about what you're singing about? I can't even hear you any more. Now I'm worried about those pants. They look painful. Are you trying to stretch them out? I've done that before, but I never do it in public. Or maybe you have hemorrhoids, or something, and you're trying desperately to scratch them on the mike stand, or something. Whatever it is that is not a normal movement. That is not normal at all. Are you okay? Should you be on stage tonight? Is your manager overworking you? Do you want me to kick his ass?
All my love and concern,
Me
All my love and concern,
Me
Dear Sir Inconsiderate,
M'kay, yes, I was a teenager once. I can even remember it clearly enough to know that I was, indeed, a bitch and a snot. I was not however, so incredibly inconsiderate as you are. My sister, she is just a couple years younger than you and even she has more responsibilities than you, oh mighty Child-adult, and even though she is assertive enough and sassy enough to earn a Bitch with a capital "B", she's still not so inconsiderate. I really liked you until we had to live together. Once we get the chance to move away from you, even a couple miles away from you, I'm sure I'll be able to tolerate you again, but as for right now, right NOW I want to choke you.
First of all, I don't get how you can have the audacity to talk to your mother like you do. You contribute NOTHING to this house. NOTHING AT ALL. You have taken out the trash slightly more times than an amputee has toes. A toe amputee. You insisted that you were going to get a job and live on your own when you went to college 500 miles away even though you could have stayed in the dorms for free and never worried about any bills. You couldn't be bothered to leave your apartment to go to school OR to look for a job and quickly ran out of money and started calling home to ask your mom to order you pizza online and have it delivered to your apartment for you and then also HAD to have specialty orders instead of letting her order you a bunch of cheap stuff you could eat all week. She has been AMAZINGLY considerate to you. I cannot believe that she hasn't said "fuck it" and cut you off by now. Her patience? It is impressive beyond belief.
Then, you kept getting robbed. You couldn't be bothered to find out what precicnt you were a part of to keep on the cops when THEY couldn't be bothered to show up. Either you gave out your key, kept forgetting to lock your door, or the rental company neglected to change the locks (even though they have proof they were changed). It doesn't really matter any more (except that your mom is going to go down for you for you ducking out on your lease even though the rental officer said you guys were square). But you were robbed 3 times and insisted that your mom come pick you up RIGHT THEN after the third time. All you had to do was wait 3 days and she would have been taking her vacation to "visit" you anyway. But you begged and pleaded and so she came and got you the very next morning, cramming everything she could into her tiny little Toyota and bringing you home.
A week later you talked her into buying you an x-box. I was seriously incredulous. Sure, yours got stolen, but at this point, shouldn't you just be grateful for what you do have? After your brother got home, you insisted to your mother that you could not get a job (even though you hadn't bothered to apply anywhere) until you got a car. A car you could not afford the cheapest repair on, insurance, gas for, nothing. After tons of whining and nagging she agreed to buy you a cheap car. You insisted you must buy the very first one you looked at. Apparently, you bought it without driving it or anything because within the day your brother knew there was something wrong with it and you were begging us to take it to my dad and see if he could fix it for cheap and if you could pay US back for the bill. Your brother, ever hopeful for you, and feeling like he's responsible for you somehow, agreed. How many months ago was this? You never did get a job yourself, I don't know if you EVER put in any applications, but what I do know is that your mom's ex got you a decent one. It was a weird job sure. But you got paid. Then your boss fell off of the face of the earth and you didn't hear from him for over a month even though you kept trying to call. Weirder. Everyone assumed it was probably because you were acting like a brat and he was just cutting you off instead of firing you since it was a kind of under the table sort of job. So ex gets you a job with him. Cool, we're all so glad that you have a job now. Your project ends and you can't work until something else begins. Almost as soon as you have open days, the first boss calls you back and wants you to work for him again and you basically tell him to fuck off but get him to hire one of your other friends, who now has a steady job, but you haven't worked in nearly 3 weeks. The kicker? These have been your first REAL jobs. Your brother has been out of work for a total of six months in the last 10 years. These last 3 months since his contract with the Army ended have probably been the hardest he has ever had to endure and you've been acting like you're better than EVERYONE even though you still refuse to pitch in for ANY of the bills or food. You have bought 1 jumbo pack of hot dogs in the past 6 months and no one else was supposed to touch those because they were yooooours. Seriously, if I hear you tell him to get a job even though we buy ALL of the food and contribute what we can to the bills again, I am going for the throat. I'm not even kidding. You're much bigger than I am. I'll fight dirty if I have to.
And also, why don't you teach your girlfriend what your niece and nephew's real names are? I'm pretty sure you don't go to her house and call her brother and sister by the wrong names. If you did, I'm pretty sure you wouldn't get away with it. Even though Keaton is a cool name, that's definitely NOT what I named him (although it's better than the people at the doctor's office calling him Clan. Awesome, now everyone there thinks I'm a skinhead. Thanks. )
And, since I don't think the internet has enough paper on it for me to just continue to rail at you, I guess I'll end with the thing that set me off tonight. Gee, you spoiled brat, you sure are right. We have ONE bathroom to 3 adults, 3 potty training children, and YOU. I'm a mommy. I don't get to take a shower as often as I'd like, so I usually try to jump in and take a longish one in the early afternoon while you're still sleeping because you were out so late working hard keeping your gaming scores up. You bathe EVERY DAY, sometimes twice a day. Even on the days that no one sees you. so SHUT THE FUCK UP about me hogging the bathroom. And also, like I said 3 potty training kids, it's their bedtime, QUIT FUCKING YOUR GIRLFRIEND IN THE BATHROOM!!!! Why should I have to clean up one of my kids shitting their pants because you're being a fucking shit??
Still looking for a way to reward the kid that climbed in your bed and pissed on you and your girlfriend (who I do actually like by the way),
Me.
First of all, I don't get how you can have the audacity to talk to your mother like you do. You contribute NOTHING to this house. NOTHING AT ALL. You have taken out the trash slightly more times than an amputee has toes. A toe amputee. You insisted that you were going to get a job and live on your own when you went to college 500 miles away even though you could have stayed in the dorms for free and never worried about any bills. You couldn't be bothered to leave your apartment to go to school OR to look for a job and quickly ran out of money and started calling home to ask your mom to order you pizza online and have it delivered to your apartment for you and then also HAD to have specialty orders instead of letting her order you a bunch of cheap stuff you could eat all week. She has been AMAZINGLY considerate to you. I cannot believe that she hasn't said "fuck it" and cut you off by now. Her patience? It is impressive beyond belief.
Then, you kept getting robbed. You couldn't be bothered to find out what precicnt you were a part of to keep on the cops when THEY couldn't be bothered to show up. Either you gave out your key, kept forgetting to lock your door, or the rental company neglected to change the locks (even though they have proof they were changed). It doesn't really matter any more (except that your mom is going to go down for you for you ducking out on your lease even though the rental officer said you guys were square). But you were robbed 3 times and insisted that your mom come pick you up RIGHT THEN after the third time. All you had to do was wait 3 days and she would have been taking her vacation to "visit" you anyway. But you begged and pleaded and so she came and got you the very next morning, cramming everything she could into her tiny little Toyota and bringing you home.
A week later you talked her into buying you an x-box. I was seriously incredulous. Sure, yours got stolen, but at this point, shouldn't you just be grateful for what you do have? After your brother got home, you insisted to your mother that you could not get a job (even though you hadn't bothered to apply anywhere) until you got a car. A car you could not afford the cheapest repair on, insurance, gas for, nothing. After tons of whining and nagging she agreed to buy you a cheap car. You insisted you must buy the very first one you looked at. Apparently, you bought it without driving it or anything because within the day your brother knew there was something wrong with it and you were begging us to take it to my dad and see if he could fix it for cheap and if you could pay US back for the bill. Your brother, ever hopeful for you, and feeling like he's responsible for you somehow, agreed. How many months ago was this? You never did get a job yourself, I don't know if you EVER put in any applications, but what I do know is that your mom's ex got you a decent one. It was a weird job sure. But you got paid. Then your boss fell off of the face of the earth and you didn't hear from him for over a month even though you kept trying to call. Weirder. Everyone assumed it was probably because you were acting like a brat and he was just cutting you off instead of firing you since it was a kind of under the table sort of job. So ex gets you a job with him. Cool, we're all so glad that you have a job now. Your project ends and you can't work until something else begins. Almost as soon as you have open days, the first boss calls you back and wants you to work for him again and you basically tell him to fuck off but get him to hire one of your other friends, who now has a steady job, but you haven't worked in nearly 3 weeks. The kicker? These have been your first REAL jobs. Your brother has been out of work for a total of six months in the last 10 years. These last 3 months since his contract with the Army ended have probably been the hardest he has ever had to endure and you've been acting like you're better than EVERYONE even though you still refuse to pitch in for ANY of the bills or food. You have bought 1 jumbo pack of hot dogs in the past 6 months and no one else was supposed to touch those because they were yooooours. Seriously, if I hear you tell him to get a job even though we buy ALL of the food and contribute what we can to the bills again, I am going for the throat. I'm not even kidding. You're much bigger than I am. I'll fight dirty if I have to.
And also, why don't you teach your girlfriend what your niece and nephew's real names are? I'm pretty sure you don't go to her house and call her brother and sister by the wrong names. If you did, I'm pretty sure you wouldn't get away with it. Even though Keaton is a cool name, that's definitely NOT what I named him (although it's better than the people at the doctor's office calling him Clan. Awesome, now everyone there thinks I'm a skinhead. Thanks. )
And, since I don't think the internet has enough paper on it for me to just continue to rail at you, I guess I'll end with the thing that set me off tonight. Gee, you spoiled brat, you sure are right. We have ONE bathroom to 3 adults, 3 potty training children, and YOU. I'm a mommy. I don't get to take a shower as often as I'd like, so I usually try to jump in and take a longish one in the early afternoon while you're still sleeping because you were out so late working hard keeping your gaming scores up. You bathe EVERY DAY, sometimes twice a day. Even on the days that no one sees you. so SHUT THE FUCK UP about me hogging the bathroom. And also, like I said 3 potty training kids, it's their bedtime, QUIT FUCKING YOUR GIRLFRIEND IN THE BATHROOM!!!! Why should I have to clean up one of my kids shitting their pants because you're being a fucking shit??
Still looking for a way to reward the kid that climbed in your bed and pissed on you and your girlfriend (who I do actually like by the way),
Me.
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