Sunday, June 6, 2010

My Dearest Female Performers,

Truly, I am impressed by your endurance. I know how hot and tiring it is under those lights up there. I know how you try to convey, physically, to your audience how they should feel. You get all into your music and then you start squumping and I check out of your performance. Squumping. Squat humping. How is this supposed to show us how deeply you feel about what you're singing about? I can't even hear you any more. Now I'm worried about those pants. They look painful. Are you trying to stretch them out? I've done that before, but I never do it in public. Or maybe you have hemorrhoids, or something, and you're trying desperately to scratch them on the mike stand, or something. Whatever it is that is not a normal movement. That is not normal at all. Are you okay? Should you be on stage tonight? Is your manager overworking you? Do you want me to kick his ass?

All my love and concern,
Me

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